Bummer Beat
Welcome to Season 4 of The Bummer Beat. Last year I lost motivation to write this digital thrill ride every week and I predict this year will be no different. But I can promise that whenever I do unleash The Beat it’ll be a thousand times better than the waste of 7 minutes the Namlleps Nest has become.
What a first week the CFFL had in its return to prominence. We had draft mockery, trolling, bitching AND whining, bragging, polling, drained accesses, scandals, relocation, new glasses, spoiled pizza and five teams failing to reach 100 points. Simply put, it was the best and worst first week ever in life.
Craig v Eric
Craig wins 123.1-60
Well I took a couple of risks in the draft this year and it didn’t work out. So my season is over as is my interest in fantasy this year. I didn’t have a single player score 12 points, Allen Robinson is likely gone for the year after catching a 17-yard pass on the opening Jags drive and the Seahawks still stink. This is the 3rd time Craig and I met met in the opening week and I’ve lost them all.
Zee Crayng didn’t have Mike Evans and it obviously didn’t matter. Although, his team was quite putrid overall since the only “players” on his team to crack 15 points were kicker Dan Bailey (15 on the nose) and dat Rams defense (31 points).
FUN FACT: Dan Bailey scored 15 points. Russell Wilson, Jimmy Graham and Allen Robinson combined for 16 points. But hey, Sammy Watkins beat Julio’s ass 10.8-10.6.
Pan v Kris
Kris wins 115.3-99.6
The Factor starts off another championship campaign scoring a modest 115 points, but enough to get a win over his main competition this year, The Crying Chhuns. Brady and Bell sucked, combining for 20.7 points, but Golden Tate (21.4), Zeke (19) and Stefon “holy shit” Diggs (27.4). Diggs celebrated a TD by punting the ball into the ball boy. I’d paste the link, but I don’t feel like it so eff you.
The loss for Pan may impact his fight for a first-round bye later in the season if Poppa T continues his fangtasy dominance, but overall it won’t matter. Pan should be somewhat concerned about how horrendous the Bengals looked as A.J. Green could only muster 12.4 points. Martavius Bryant only caught 2 balls for 14 yards. I’m sure he’ll have his big games, but this was against the Browns so it’s a disappointing effort. If Bryant is merely a boom/bust guy then Pan may be in for an underachieving season. Also, C.J. Anderson still sucks.
Poppa T v Feroldi
Poppa T wins 163.9-91.3
Holy Cow! After more than a decade of CFFL action, we can all agree that the old man is way better than all of us at this.
Kareem Hunt torched dat Patriot aaasss on Thursday night to the tune of 45.6 points. Ty-freak Hill added another 26.8 and even the Panthers Def got 16. This team is loaded with a steady Mariota (21.1) at QB, Wentz (20.6) on the bench and rookie Kenny Golladay (22.9) on the bench. Golladay will likely replace the Woodcock at flex for the foreseeable future. The only negative to look at here is the Hurley Gurley man’s 20.6 points. Gurley had a sweet 5rec. for 56 yards, but as a runner he totaled 40 yards on 19 carries. That is AWFUL so as good as the Rams looked, Gurley really isn’t looking any better than he did last year.
I’ll throw a mercy biscuit at Feroldi since he took this beating. Actually no I won’t. His 91 points were only 9th best. DeMarco Murray looks old and slow, Lamar Miller stinks, Cousins stinks and, well…Theo Riddick was his top scorer with 14.6 points.
Adam v Joe
Joe wins 105.6-80.9
Joe continues to bitch incessantly about the new scoring system and he’s a victim of it week 1. His 105 points were not in the top half of the league so he’s only 1-1. Antonio Brown totaled 29.2 points to lead the Donkey Dick and it’s clear that having Brown will be enough to keep Joe in it most week, but the rest of this team is garbage.
Speaking of garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBryGe1USG0 Adam’s team realllyyyyyyyy sucks. His #2 pick Dezerae Bryant had a phenomenal 2 rec. for 43 yards against the G-Men, his two running backs totaled 9.9 points and so basically everything The Beat said about this team after the draft is true. Next week he’ll start to enjoy the torture of Odell Beckham and his inconsistency. Get ready for lots of 9 pointers from ODB. Maybe if you got his name right he’d show up to play.
Kevin v Matt
Matt wins 120.8-109.2
Matt puts up the second most points of the opening week, which is still 43 points behind Poppa T. Matt Stafford has started 2017 very strong (29.9 points), which is exactly what he did in 2016 before fizzling out. The Steelers Def put up 18 points against the Browns and David Johnson and Jordan Howard combined for 28,7 points. Alshon Jeffery still sucks (8.8 points) and Jack Doyle (6.1) will likely find himself shredded on the wire this year. Matt also loses David Johnson for the season with a dislocated wrist. To that I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ya butt.
Despite the H2H loss, Kevin can be pleased with the 100 yard and 21.4 point debut from Leonard Fournette. Jordy Nelson looks like a better pick than DeVonta after 1 week as he got 20.9 points. Drew Bree’s (18.5) will do better, but T.Y. Hilton (6.5) is a horrible guy to own right now and could hurt this team. But compared to myself, Adam and Joe, I actually don’t think Notaro will finish anywhere near the bottom. The team still sucks though.
Todd v Scott
Todd wins 115.1-87.7
Todd may have won the fangtasy matchup, but Detective Cady got the real win here as he exposed Todd for colluding with Russian hackers to embellish his playoff record to 10-8 instead of an unimpressive 7-7. That kind of fraud is grounds for loss of commissionership.
Todd didn’t have anyone score 20 points, but he had a lot of guys in the high teens (Rahhjaz, Melvin, D-Hop, and Ertz). Cooper Kupp also had 17 on the Dadboner bench.
Scoot, who is not dead despite the rumors, lost because Kelvin had one catch for 25 yards, Michael Thomas only got 9.5 points and Gronk is fat and slow. Gronk def would not win the C-Town sprint-off in November. But he’d probably be good enough to ensure Todd still finishes last.
Hey I’m done! Sweet, I was getting tired and thought I had another game.
The Ded List
David Johnson (broken wrist)
Allen Robinson (ACL)
Eddie Lacy (botched liposuction procedure. Instead of sucking the fat out they sucked out the talent).
Seattle’s offensive line
The Era of Anger
The Mostly Ded List
Danny Woodcock
Bummer of the Week
Matt loses the best player in fangtasy. Doesn’t get much more Bummer than that. Also, HAHAHAHAH
What a first week the CFFL had in its return to prominence. We had draft mockery, trolling, bitching AND whining, bragging, polling, drained accesses, scandals, relocation, new glasses, spoiled pizza and five teams failing to reach 100 points. Simply put, it was the best and worst first week ever in life.
Craig v Eric
Craig wins 123.1-60
Well I took a couple of risks in the draft this year and it didn’t work out. So my season is over as is my interest in fantasy this year. I didn’t have a single player score 12 points, Allen Robinson is likely gone for the year after catching a 17-yard pass on the opening Jags drive and the Seahawks still stink. This is the 3rd time Craig and I met met in the opening week and I’ve lost them all.
Zee Crayng didn’t have Mike Evans and it obviously didn’t matter. Although, his team was quite putrid overall since the only “players” on his team to crack 15 points were kicker Dan Bailey (15 on the nose) and dat Rams defense (31 points).
FUN FACT: Dan Bailey scored 15 points. Russell Wilson, Jimmy Graham and Allen Robinson combined for 16 points. But hey, Sammy Watkins beat Julio’s ass 10.8-10.6.
Pan v Kris
Kris wins 115.3-99.6
The Factor starts off another championship campaign scoring a modest 115 points, but enough to get a win over his main competition this year, The Crying Chhuns. Brady and Bell sucked, combining for 20.7 points, but Golden Tate (21.4), Zeke (19) and Stefon “holy shit” Diggs (27.4). Diggs celebrated a TD by punting the ball into the ball boy. I’d paste the link, but I don’t feel like it so eff you.
The loss for Pan may impact his fight for a first-round bye later in the season if Poppa T continues his fangtasy dominance, but overall it won’t matter. Pan should be somewhat concerned about how horrendous the Bengals looked as A.J. Green could only muster 12.4 points. Martavius Bryant only caught 2 balls for 14 yards. I’m sure he’ll have his big games, but this was against the Browns so it’s a disappointing effort. If Bryant is merely a boom/bust guy then Pan may be in for an underachieving season. Also, C.J. Anderson still sucks.
Poppa T v Feroldi
Poppa T wins 163.9-91.3
Holy Cow! After more than a decade of CFFL action, we can all agree that the old man is way better than all of us at this.
Kareem Hunt torched dat Patriot aaasss on Thursday night to the tune of 45.6 points. Ty-freak Hill added another 26.8 and even the Panthers Def got 16. This team is loaded with a steady Mariota (21.1) at QB, Wentz (20.6) on the bench and rookie Kenny Golladay (22.9) on the bench. Golladay will likely replace the Woodcock at flex for the foreseeable future. The only negative to look at here is the Hurley Gurley man’s 20.6 points. Gurley had a sweet 5rec. for 56 yards, but as a runner he totaled 40 yards on 19 carries. That is AWFUL so as good as the Rams looked, Gurley really isn’t looking any better than he did last year.
I’ll throw a mercy biscuit at Feroldi since he took this beating. Actually no I won’t. His 91 points were only 9th best. DeMarco Murray looks old and slow, Lamar Miller stinks, Cousins stinks and, well…Theo Riddick was his top scorer with 14.6 points.
Adam v Joe
Joe wins 105.6-80.9
Joe continues to bitch incessantly about the new scoring system and he’s a victim of it week 1. His 105 points were not in the top half of the league so he’s only 1-1. Antonio Brown totaled 29.2 points to lead the Donkey Dick and it’s clear that having Brown will be enough to keep Joe in it most week, but the rest of this team is garbage.
Speaking of garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBryGe1USG0 Adam’s team realllyyyyyyyy sucks. His #2 pick Dezerae Bryant had a phenomenal 2 rec. for 43 yards against the G-Men, his two running backs totaled 9.9 points and so basically everything The Beat said about this team after the draft is true. Next week he’ll start to enjoy the torture of Odell Beckham and his inconsistency. Get ready for lots of 9 pointers from ODB. Maybe if you got his name right he’d show up to play.
Kevin v Matt
Matt wins 120.8-109.2
Matt puts up the second most points of the opening week, which is still 43 points behind Poppa T. Matt Stafford has started 2017 very strong (29.9 points), which is exactly what he did in 2016 before fizzling out. The Steelers Def put up 18 points against the Browns and David Johnson and Jordan Howard combined for 28,7 points. Alshon Jeffery still sucks (8.8 points) and Jack Doyle (6.1) will likely find himself shredded on the wire this year. Matt also loses David Johnson for the season with a dislocated wrist. To that I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ya butt.
Despite the H2H loss, Kevin can be pleased with the 100 yard and 21.4 point debut from Leonard Fournette. Jordy Nelson looks like a better pick than DeVonta after 1 week as he got 20.9 points. Drew Bree’s (18.5) will do better, but T.Y. Hilton (6.5) is a horrible guy to own right now and could hurt this team. But compared to myself, Adam and Joe, I actually don’t think Notaro will finish anywhere near the bottom. The team still sucks though.
Todd v Scott
Todd wins 115.1-87.7
Todd may have won the fangtasy matchup, but Detective Cady got the real win here as he exposed Todd for colluding with Russian hackers to embellish his playoff record to 10-8 instead of an unimpressive 7-7. That kind of fraud is grounds for loss of commissionership.
Todd didn’t have anyone score 20 points, but he had a lot of guys in the high teens (Rahhjaz, Melvin, D-Hop, and Ertz). Cooper Kupp also had 17 on the Dadboner bench.
Scoot, who is not dead despite the rumors, lost because Kelvin had one catch for 25 yards, Michael Thomas only got 9.5 points and Gronk is fat and slow. Gronk def would not win the C-Town sprint-off in November. But he’d probably be good enough to ensure Todd still finishes last.
Hey I’m done! Sweet, I was getting tired and thought I had another game.
The Ded List
David Johnson (broken wrist)
Allen Robinson (ACL)
Eddie Lacy (botched liposuction procedure. Instead of sucking the fat out they sucked out the talent).
Seattle’s offensive line
The Era of Anger
The Mostly Ded List
Danny Woodcock
Bummer of the Week
Matt loses the best player in fangtasy. Doesn’t get much more Bummer than that. Also, HAHAHAHAH
Week 1 Preview
Courtesy of Ze Rat...
Joe vs Adam
This one features the 12th and 11th place teams from last season. Both teams took big time WRs in OBJ and AB84 with their first picks. Joe has a couple of top 12 RBs to pair with Brown in Jay Ajayi and Isaiah Crowell as well as a top QB in Matty Ice. The WR depth is lacking here for the Donkey Dick and could be an issue all season. The Rat Bahstard has excellent WR depth with arguably three top 12 options and a solid top 5 TE, but the talent basically stops there unless RBs Mixon, Rawls and Perkins can provide something and Luck comes back as a top flight QB. Some tough losses for both teams as OBJ has an ankle and is a game-time decision and Ajayi has a hurricane and is already out as a result.
PREDICTION: This one comes down to whether or not OBJ suits up and plays. If he does, I’ll give the Bahstard the W. If not, the Donkey Dick gets hard and gets a W.
Pan vs Kris
Two teams that made the playoffs last year and Pan coming off of a regular season title, they both boast a solid duo of keepers with Pan having AJ Green and Shady, and Kris touting two of the top 3 RBs in the league in the lady assaulter Zeke and the weed loving Lev Bell. Sgam has the luxury of getting Zeke for this one before potentially losing him for the next 6 games. Both teams sport solid QB options in excellent offenses in the whiner Big Ben and the cheater Tom Brady. Both teams are rolling out a solid WR option at the Flex as well as decent WRs overall.
PREDICTION: Kris’ store of Jerk RBs have huge games, but it won’t be enough to match the overall talent of the Chhunnies’ roster as Pan cries his way to a victory through a more balanced roster and higher points from his receiving options plus a big game from Shady.
Brian vs Mark
Kareem Hunt and Tyreek Hill just took a shit all over Brian’s team on Thursday night and his beloved Patriots and he now has a 5th ass to wipe. Mark already silencing critics of his Kareem Hunt pick as he sips his own crafted wine with a smile.
PREDICTION: Not necessary. Let’s move on.
Craig vs Eric
Perfect timing for this matchup as the Madden ass kicking that Craig put on Eric a couple weekends ago in the Great White North has Gould still stewing and looking for angry revenge. Eric likes his team (just ask him) but it seems a lot of other people don’t. He lucked into Devonta Freeman (more on this later) and then reached on McCaffrey and Jimmy Graham as his top trio. His top WRs Twatkins and A-Rob have bad QBs and that position could be struggle for most of the season. Craig has Who-Lee-Oh and Evans as his keepers, arguably the best situation going into the season, but Evans (like Ajayi) has a hurricane and is out for this one. Craig has good RB depth in Abdullah, Hyde and Lynch, but it’s a lot of question marks. I like his Evans replacement in Larry Fitz going against a trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbl Lions pass defense.
PREDICTION: This one comes down to the two QBs in Cam and Russell the hustle, bustle and muscle man Wilson. I like both matchups and I think both have big games, but Cam’s matchup is just a little more tastier and gets Craig the W.
Kevin vs Matt
Two relocating owners in this one as Kevin takes his talents (stinky gas?) to phenomenal Austin, TX and Matt moves back to his beloved NYC where he won his 1st title as owner and now the only owner to win titles in multiple cities as he was crowned (or rammed?) last season out in LA. Kevin decided not to keep Devonta Freeman (nobody is sure why, but Kevin seems to like it) and was able to get Jordy “White Lightening” Nelson, as he calls him. Also Kevin grabbed his RB replacement as Leonard Fournette who could be in line for a huge season getting tons of touches in JAX and also allows Kevin to rename his name nicely as Fournette Me Nots. His team is rounded out nicely with Hilton, Ingram, Brees, and Rudolph and a bunch of Flex options at WR and RB on the bench. Matt has fantasy MVP last year David Johnson, and really, what else do you need? He also kept Jordan “I look like I run with a load in my pants” Howard to go two top 10 RBs as a solid base. Matt had two decent WR options fall to him at the 3 / 4 turn in Alshon and Pryor which could be boom or bust guys as well as Adams in GB with Rodgers feeding him the ball every week.
PREDICTION: Low scoring matchup here and a tight one, but Matt gets just enough from DJ to get a W in the Travel Bowl.
Scott vs Todd
It’s the experienced poppa vs the soon to be new Dad. Ariana Grande likes herself some Noles with Kelvin, Dalvin, Jameis and most importantly Dustin Hopkins. Todd has top QB Aaron Rodgers coming off an offseason where he shed that crazy bitch Olivia Munn. He kept touchdown machine Melvin Gordon and got Cooks and Nuke at WR as well as It Ertz Doesn’t It? at TE.
PREDICTION: Both teams have pretty balanced rosters and I think it is going to very close (Theme here this week as all teams have really done a good job balancing out their rosters! No real powerhouse it seems). They both have their defense going against each other during the late game Monday night. As is typically the case, Philip Rivers throws a backbreaking pick 6 to Aqib Talib and Scott gets the double down with +8 there and then a sonning of the Chargers D losing points for their offense giving up a TD. Nope…wait…upon further review, the CFFL made the change to eliminate the BS and Todd squeaks out a W based on the offseason rule change.
Joe vs Adam
This one features the 12th and 11th place teams from last season. Both teams took big time WRs in OBJ and AB84 with their first picks. Joe has a couple of top 12 RBs to pair with Brown in Jay Ajayi and Isaiah Crowell as well as a top QB in Matty Ice. The WR depth is lacking here for the Donkey Dick and could be an issue all season. The Rat Bahstard has excellent WR depth with arguably three top 12 options and a solid top 5 TE, but the talent basically stops there unless RBs Mixon, Rawls and Perkins can provide something and Luck comes back as a top flight QB. Some tough losses for both teams as OBJ has an ankle and is a game-time decision and Ajayi has a hurricane and is already out as a result.
PREDICTION: This one comes down to whether or not OBJ suits up and plays. If he does, I’ll give the Bahstard the W. If not, the Donkey Dick gets hard and gets a W.
Pan vs Kris
Two teams that made the playoffs last year and Pan coming off of a regular season title, they both boast a solid duo of keepers with Pan having AJ Green and Shady, and Kris touting two of the top 3 RBs in the league in the lady assaulter Zeke and the weed loving Lev Bell. Sgam has the luxury of getting Zeke for this one before potentially losing him for the next 6 games. Both teams sport solid QB options in excellent offenses in the whiner Big Ben and the cheater Tom Brady. Both teams are rolling out a solid WR option at the Flex as well as decent WRs overall.
PREDICTION: Kris’ store of Jerk RBs have huge games, but it won’t be enough to match the overall talent of the Chhunnies’ roster as Pan cries his way to a victory through a more balanced roster and higher points from his receiving options plus a big game from Shady.
Brian vs Mark
Kareem Hunt and Tyreek Hill just took a shit all over Brian’s team on Thursday night and his beloved Patriots and he now has a 5th ass to wipe. Mark already silencing critics of his Kareem Hunt pick as he sips his own crafted wine with a smile.
PREDICTION: Not necessary. Let’s move on.
Craig vs Eric
Perfect timing for this matchup as the Madden ass kicking that Craig put on Eric a couple weekends ago in the Great White North has Gould still stewing and looking for angry revenge. Eric likes his team (just ask him) but it seems a lot of other people don’t. He lucked into Devonta Freeman (more on this later) and then reached on McCaffrey and Jimmy Graham as his top trio. His top WRs Twatkins and A-Rob have bad QBs and that position could be struggle for most of the season. Craig has Who-Lee-Oh and Evans as his keepers, arguably the best situation going into the season, but Evans (like Ajayi) has a hurricane and is out for this one. Craig has good RB depth in Abdullah, Hyde and Lynch, but it’s a lot of question marks. I like his Evans replacement in Larry Fitz going against a trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbl Lions pass defense.
PREDICTION: This one comes down to the two QBs in Cam and Russell the hustle, bustle and muscle man Wilson. I like both matchups and I think both have big games, but Cam’s matchup is just a little more tastier and gets Craig the W.
Kevin vs Matt
Two relocating owners in this one as Kevin takes his talents (stinky gas?) to phenomenal Austin, TX and Matt moves back to his beloved NYC where he won his 1st title as owner and now the only owner to win titles in multiple cities as he was crowned (or rammed?) last season out in LA. Kevin decided not to keep Devonta Freeman (nobody is sure why, but Kevin seems to like it) and was able to get Jordy “White Lightening” Nelson, as he calls him. Also Kevin grabbed his RB replacement as Leonard Fournette who could be in line for a huge season getting tons of touches in JAX and also allows Kevin to rename his name nicely as Fournette Me Nots. His team is rounded out nicely with Hilton, Ingram, Brees, and Rudolph and a bunch of Flex options at WR and RB on the bench. Matt has fantasy MVP last year David Johnson, and really, what else do you need? He also kept Jordan “I look like I run with a load in my pants” Howard to go two top 10 RBs as a solid base. Matt had two decent WR options fall to him at the 3 / 4 turn in Alshon and Pryor which could be boom or bust guys as well as Adams in GB with Rodgers feeding him the ball every week.
PREDICTION: Low scoring matchup here and a tight one, but Matt gets just enough from DJ to get a W in the Travel Bowl.
Scott vs Todd
It’s the experienced poppa vs the soon to be new Dad. Ariana Grande likes herself some Noles with Kelvin, Dalvin, Jameis and most importantly Dustin Hopkins. Todd has top QB Aaron Rodgers coming off an offseason where he shed that crazy bitch Olivia Munn. He kept touchdown machine Melvin Gordon and got Cooks and Nuke at WR as well as It Ertz Doesn’t It? at TE.
PREDICTION: Both teams have pretty balanced rosters and I think it is going to very close (Theme here this week as all teams have really done a good job balancing out their rosters! No real powerhouse it seems). They both have their defense going against each other during the late game Monday night. As is typically the case, Philip Rivers throws a backbreaking pick 6 to Aqib Talib and Scott gets the double down with +8 there and then a sonning of the Chargers D losing points for their offense giving up a TD. Nope…wait…upon further review, the CFFL made the change to eliminate the BS and Todd squeaks out a W based on the offseason rule change.